LETTER TO GOD
Below is a letter (I just ran across) that I wrote to God on February 27, 2012. It’s raw and humbling, but it’s also exactly what I was feeling at the time.
It’s been a long time, too long. I repent. The spray of the waves, the roar of the wind, the turbulence of the waters wrapping around my legs captured my focus and attention. Interestingly enough, even though drowning, being overwhelmed, and finding myself powerless to save – I failed crying out to You! For so long, I have kept trying with all my human resources and inner strength to keep my face above water.
What kept me from crying to You for help? My anger. My frustration and hurt for the pain in my life and family. The pain in so many families! So, I judged You for the storm! Oh my! Who am I but a worm and not a man? Forgive me.
I’m back to square one in need of being poor in spirit and mourning over my own sin! I know this is to be a continual state of the heart within me but I’ve gone into my “nothing” box so many times instead of before Your throne and into Your arms.
I am so prideful and stupid! I have given up and given in. I have been greatly tempted to give over to my own wants and desires. Escape! Leave the ministry! Find a solitary place that is best for Jessica and with Patti -- live quietly, peacefully and in solitude! Oh, it sounds so pleasing to my flesh. To be completely honest, if I was financially able to do this I daresay it would have already happened!
However, You just led me to read 2 Timothy. I needed to hear Your wisdom through Paul to Timothy. Thank You.
Paul was abandoned, talked evil of, imprisoned, beaten – yet, he remained faithful to the end. Not only that – he didn’t lose sight of those You had put in his path to disciple, equip, train, and mentor.
Who have You put before me?
Mike; Charlie; Shawn; John; Derrick; Jonathan; Brian; Troy; Tim; Dimitri; Tim; Steve; Bill; Bob; Brian....
Not my will but Your will be done. God, have mercy. You are good.